Depressed....but motivated...

First of all... this is not meant to be be a pity-party, but rather, a means of motivation. I just wanted to preface this with that little bit of info.

So, last night, my boyfriend and I went to an outdoor concert. Its like 95 degrees outside, in the Kansas City heat, and within minutes of walking out the door from having showered and beauty-fied, I was dripping. Some people glisten... but not this little lady. I was dripping. My hair started curling up in little spiral tendrils on my head, and my makeup went from being fresh and clean to now falling off my face and blending colors making my face look like an awful version of the color wheel making my attempt at looking nice for the evening a complete and utter waste of time. When we got to the venue- we propped our lawn chairs up and took a seat. Eventually, as the sun went down, the weather was bearable-- but there was no amount of a breeze that was going to put my eyeliner back on my eyelid. Instead, I was rocking out an un-intentional smokey look that really just looked like someone had beaten me in the eye a few times. I digress, though, as this blog entry is not so much about my hair and make-up, or the heat, really, for that matter... but it is about my negative self-image (that being said after I ranted on about how awful I looked last night!)

Last spring, I was tired of going shopping at places like Lane Bryant and Torrid, or having to go to the Plus-Size section of the department stores. My mom and friends would find clothes that were trendy and super-cute while I was clawing through racks of geriatric clothing items to locate what was possibly the one and only cute thing available for a twenty-something girls such as myself. Shopping isn't as fun when your limited to shirts with giant pictures of cats on the front. (Don't get me wrong, I've seen some grannies rock those shirts- but there are some things that only certain people can pull off.) I was fed up. My whole life I have battled with being overweight. I remember as far back as seventh grade- when I was maybe 10 pounds overweight, I was told by my cheerleading coach that I was putting on too much weight and needed to shed some before attempting to fit into the cheer uniform. From that point on, I can remember time and time again of being embarassed and depressed about my expanding waistline. I had tried dieting before, and was often times successful to a certain point, but last year I had the first "aha!" moment where I realized that I have the power to change this. So- I took the first step and joined Weight Watchers, and I found my mojo and got rolling. Within 3 months I had lost 40 pounds. I was still a long way from my overall goal, but I was definitely thinning out and was the smallest I have been since High School. I was loving shopping and fitting into clothes from the 'normal" section of the store. It wasn't long though until I decided that I had done so well, and was so on top of things that it was ok to treat myself with pasta or mexican. Then the next thing you know, I am up 20 pounds and all of that hard work is flushed down the toilet!

I looked around last night at all of the ladies that were at the concert, and it took me awhile to realize that I was making mental notes of physical attributes of theirs that I wish I had. Skinny legs, defined arms, oval face without a second or third chin, thin hands, etc... I know it sounds pitiful and very depressing, but I know for a fact that I am not the only woman that does this. I would be willing to wager that 100% of women compare themselves to others. This kind of thinking isn't completely unhealthy, though, if it promotes motivation to improve oneself. Not change- but improve. I'm beautiful in my own right- and I don't think I am completely flawed, but I do treat myself pretty crappy. I bitch about being overweight and unhappy, but do nothing to improve my situation and instead, I treat myself like crap with this negative self-talk.

So... I'm hoping this new revelation, combined with the fact that practically everything I currently own in terms of clothes nearly rips apart as I squeeze into it, will light the fire under my hiney that is needed to get me back in the game- and to unveil the beautiful person thats beneath all of this self-loathing.

The pictures below are a few that I took last year after having lost close to the 40 pounds... I am using these as motivation to return to those same clothes. :-)